Miracles. Please.

When it comes to dealing with difficult emotions, I’m not really the poster child of someone who’d you want to mirror when it comes to coping. I tend to shut down, get angry, or just check out – so when I was debating on whether or not to share this blog it was more on the ‘not going to happen, just writing it for me side of the spectrum’. However, my friend Travis texted me yesterday, and while my phone has been full of missed texts, calls, and Facebook messages, he is the only one that has gotten me to say more than three words since Monday. In talking to Travis for 5 minutes, I realized I’m not just devastated and sad, but I am so angry. My anger really is all over the place right now.

I am angry that I am doing everything you’re supposed to do – by the book, but something still is wrong with this pregnancy. I am angry that I have watched people I know smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, guzzle caffeine, etc. while pregnant and end up with perfectly healthy babies. I’m angry that drug addict after drug addict have healthy babies daily, people that should never be so blessed by these little perfect angels. I am mad that I won’t even eat lunch meat, or dye my ridiculously gray hair – yet something is still wrong.

I am angry that it has taken us more than 5 years to get up the courage to get pregnant again after the traumatic experience we had the first time, with Easton and this just adds to the pregnancy stigma. I am mad that we couldn’t just be content with being parents to the one amazing child that we have and we just had to be selfish and try for another. I am mad that parents with 6 kids who cannot support them, raise them in a loving home, or even get through a week without a CPS visit, keep having more. We’ve made the one beautiful child that has become our world, and I know we’d do the exact same for another one. I am just so angry.

I am sad. I am sad for Easton, because he is so excited about this baby, that he will most likely never meet. I am upset that we told him I was pregnant, but we were all just so excited. I cry every time he asks about the baby in my belly and try to explain that “she” is just very sick, and will most likely go to heaven before us. I am so upset that he doesn’t understand what this means. After trying to explain to him in a 5 year old way, he asks if we can still go ahead and set up “her” room. I am heartbroken. Easton will eventually be heartbroken too and I cannot protect either of my children – not the one inside of me, or the one that has brought so much joy to our lives the past 5 years. I am completely helpless.

I think if I could handle the Easton part of the situation I would be able to not be so angry, if I knew how to get through this without him hurting or missing something the rest of his life that I could deal with what is happening. But the idea of him hurting and yearning for a sibling that he will possibly never have is devastating, I am hoping this is just one of those instances that he shows us again just how resilient he is.

I am sad that I will never take the 5 million adorable photos of this baby and Easton that I already have planned. I am sad that I will never hold, cuddle, or have sleepless nights comforting & rocking this baby back to sleep. I am sad that I will not get to sing lullabies to you until you realize I can’t sing and tell me to stop (Easton still hasn’t reached this point of knowing I can’t sing). I am sad that I will never know if this child looks like his brother, but in my heart and my dreams you could be twins, I wanted you to look just alike. I am sad that Easton wants a sibling and I don’t know that we are physically or emotionally capable of giving him that.

I am confused. Why does this happen? I know this happens to millions of women, I know that I am not the only one – but why? I am the type of person that deals by finding the rationalization or the lesson in every situation and for the life of me I cannot understand what positive comes from this. I don’t understand why this would ever be God’s will, for anyone. I literally knew from the week we conceived that I was pregnant, I have known for more than 2 months now that we were going to have another child, why would I need to know for so long? It just hurts more.

I am confused as to why I am now so sick? I refuse to stop taking the medication that is making me sick until I am absolutely 100% sure that there is no hope, not even an ounce, for this baby. I am throwing up most everything I eat now and as I am sick, I can’t help but cry the entire time I am throwing up because I don’t understand how this is fair or why it’s happening? I am stuck hugging a toilet after every meal for a baby that we will never meet, for a baby that we cannot comfort, or protect. While I know that we are basically just waiting to lose this little angel, I am still doing everything by the book. My hair is still gray, I am still taking vitamins, progesterone, and doing all the things you’re ‘supposed’ to do for a healthy baby – but I will most likely not benefit from these sacrifices. And while I want to be selfless and mature and say that “this is okay, God has a plan” … I cannot say that and be completely honest, because to me, this is not okay and I have no idea what part of God’s plan this could be.

I know another well-known photographer in Virginia is going through something similar and a little more gut wrenching because she is much further into her pregnancy than I am and she seems to be handling it with such grace and while I don’t envy her situation, I envy her resolve and peace, because for the life of me, I just cannot get there. When I was reading her story (while I believed I carrying a healthy baby) I cried for her, because I couldn’t imagine the pain she is in, I even discussed her situation with my husband and my friend, Kelli. But now here we are a few weeks later, and I am devastated along with her, but from a point of much deeper understanding. When she blogged she wrote a quote that I feel so much right now

.. and I couldn’t explain this season of our life any better than that.

I appreciate everyone’s messages and I am sorry that I haven’t responded to a lot of them, I’ve been trying to stay away from social media and my phone for a few days. Just trying to get myself together and to a place where I am strong again, and while I have faith our family will be strong again – I also know that it will take time and that it might not be the same kind of ‘strong’ we used to be. <3

xoxo,

Jasmine

For some reason this song, covered by Janet Devlin has been my go to when I just need to let out some tears – Unsteady. I have no idea why, really…

* I didn’t mention Jason in this post because I don’t feel like it’s my place to speak for him or how he feels about this, but I do know that he is just as heartbroken too.